Legally Correct Fairy Tales Read online

  No, that confession belongs on the junk heap of fantasy. In just a few moments you will be going into the jury room to consider the evidence. I do not even mention the porridge supposedly found on my client’s stockings because… who do you think found those stockings? Why, once again, the incredible Detective Smokey. He was all over the place that night, wasn’t he? So, when you go into that jury room, I don’t want you, my fellow human beings, even to consider the fact that these three bears can sit there all day happily wagging their tails—which you, like my client, do not have—or the fact that they walk on all fours, have hair all over their bodies, don’t even speak the same language you do, do not wear clothes, and have been known to devour human beings, people like us. No! I beg you, do not think that this is a vote for compassionate humans against animalistic bears. Don’t! Think only of the poor, sloppy case built against my client, the total lack of evidence, and you will have no choice but to find my client not guilty of this serious crime.

  I thank you in advance for your verdict.

  “ONCE UPON A TIME, FAIRY TALES WERE WRITTEN FOR CHILDREN, BUT IN OUR LITIGIOUS SOCIETY, THEY MUST BE WRITTEN IN LEGALESE IF WE ARE TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. IT IS A GRIMM THOUGHT BUT A WONDERFULLY CLEVER BOOK.”

  —Alan M. Dershowitz, professor of law, Harvard Law School

  “HILARIOUS! YOU’LL NEVER LOOK AT SNOW WHITE, HUMPTY DUMPTY, AND THE REST OF THE GANG IN QUITE THE SAME WAY.”

  —David Baldacci, attorney and bestselling author of Absolute Power

  “A VERY FUNNY BOOK, BOUND TO AMUSE ALL LAWYERS, AS WELL AS ANYONE ELSE WHO LOVES OR HATES ATTORNEYS AND THEIR QUIRKY WORLD.”

  —Scott Turow, attorney and bestselling author of Presumed Innocent

  Kingdom v. Hansel and Gretel

  “Being bad, harboring negative thoughts, making threats, even casting spells under certain circumstances does not fulfill the legal definition of witch. If she was not a witch, but Hansel and Gretel believed she was a witch, they were suffering from advanced paranoia….”

  Humpty Dumpty v. King, King’s Hospital, All of King’s Horses, All of King’s Men

  “Plaintiff Dumpty has become a shell of his former self. The King’s horses and the King’s physicians failed to restore Plaintiff Dumpty to his former state, due to negligence, carelessness, and a complete lack of refrigeration, and are therefore liable for damages under the statutes of this Kingdom….”

  Kingdom v. Goldilocks

  “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid I must take a moment here to tell you something about which my client is not very proud. My client, the lovely Goldilocks, has not always been so golden. Her real name is Brunetta…”